“In loving others, don’t forget that you are worthy too”.
I read that quote quite some time ago. It gave me goosebumps. Through experience, I can finally appreciate the quote. Now, it doesn’t give me goosebumps anymore. I read it with newfound respect because I finally understand how easily it is to lose yourself, and how hard it is to find your way back.
“Me time”, Some people have it too much. Some people have it too little. Some people, when in love, completely get it mixed up. I was one of those people.
I thought loving someone meant spending all my free time with them. Even when I was not free, I made time for my loved ones. Whether its family members, friends, your partner or your job, I’m sure most of us can relate to that one person or thing that we commit everything to. We don’t just give our 100%, we give 200%. While that burning passion, that love, that commitment, or whatever it is you call that force; is good, it blinds you. It absorbs your whole being. And little by little, you lose sight of who you really are.
At first it becomes just a tugging feeling. Then it grows to become emptiness. Emptiness that you falsely diagnose and began filling with fidgeting, constantly checking your phone, jumping at every buzz and ring, busying yourself more and more. Never pausing, never stopping to see the real cause. One day you’re just going to look around and find there’s nothing else left. So because you can’t find anything left in your empty vessel, you look out.
The thing is, probably other than God, no one is really going to love you more than you can love yourself. He won’t give you all his attention. She won’t always be there. There will be times when he loses his patience. There will be times when she slips her tongue. And there will always be times when you find yourself stranded, alone. And with no one, not even yourself to pick you up, you fall down. Too tired to look. Too tired to keep searching. And you start blaming. Blaming on everyone else, but yourself. He doesn’t love me enough. She’s prettier. Everyone doesn’t do the job as well as I do. It’s just not my luck. We were never meant to be. The first few cries might lead to people coming to help. But after some time, that stops too. After some time you realise blaming doesn’t change anything. It will not heal the wounds. It will definitely not renew your dying spirit. Slowly but hopefully, you will look inwards. Caress your own wounds. Finally giving yourself the attention you deserve.
So when was the last time you touched that novel? Ate ice cream alone? Watched a movie you wanted to and not something the crowd chose? When was the last time you woke up late? Danced to your favourite music in the rain? Devoured pizza in bed while watching porn and then licking your fingers afterwards? When was the last time you did something entirely for yourself, phone switched off?
Based on Newton’s third law of motion, there will be another opposite force acting on you. Another force that begs you to switch on your phone. That reasons with you about all the assignments waiting on your desk. Your heart will tell you that you miss him/her. That your body is burning for human touch and interaction. Tell those voices to hush. Now is your time. Not theirs.
Remember. You are worthy of your love too.